Stop Beating Yourself Up: How to Break Free from “Double Suffering”
Anxiety, OCD, and other mental health challenges already bring enough pain on their own. But many of us, often without realizing it, add a second layer of suffering on top of what we’re already experiencing. This hidden burden is called double suffering.
It’s the tendency to criticize ourselves, judge ourselves, or feel shame because we’re struggling. Instead of meeting our anxiety with compassion, we pile on self-blame. And while it’s human to do this, it’s also one of the biggest obstacles holding people back from progress in treatment.
In this post, we’ll talk about:
What double suffering is (with examples you’ll probably recognize)
Why it makes recovery harder
Practical techniques to help you catch and overcome it
What Is Double Suffering?
Imagine this: You wake up with anxiety already buzzing in your chest. Your brain is racing, and your stomach is in knots. That’s suffering number one.
Now imagine your inner critic kicks in:
“Seriously? Why can’t you get it together?”
“Other people don’t freak out like this. What’s wrong with you?”
“If you were stronger, you’d be over this by now.”
That self-criticism becomes suffering number two.
Double suffering = the original pain of anxiety + the added pain of self-judgment.
Instead of just experiencing anxiety, you’re now experiencing anxiety and shame, guilt, or frustration about having anxiety. No wonder it feels overwhelming.
How Double Suffering Shows Up in OCD and Anxiety
Here are a few common examples we see in clients (and honestly, many of us therapists have done these too):
During exposures (ERP): Feeling anxious during an exposure is expected, but then you beat yourself up for “not doing it right.”
When compulsions happen: Instead of simply noticing that you slipped into a compulsion, you tell yourself you’re weak or hopeless.
With physical symptoms: Your heart races and your hands shake and then you criticize yourself for “looking stupid” in front of others.
Comparisons to others: You notice friends or classmates who seem “calm and normal,” and then shame yourself for being different.
Each of these adds unnecessary weight to what’s already a tough moment.
Why Double Suffering Holds You Back
It increases distress. Anxiety already revs up your nervous system. Self-criticism adds fuel to the fire, making symptoms feel worse.
It blocks learning. In therapy, especially ERP, the goal is to teach your brain that anxiety is survivable. But if you’re layering shame on top, your brain learns that anxiety is dangerous and not something you can handle.
It kills motivation. Self-compassion energizes us to keep going. Self-criticism makes us want to quit, hide, or avoid treatment altogether.
It creates false beliefs. Over time, people start believing the criticism: “I really am weak.” “I’ll never get better.”Those beliefs become their own kind of prison.
The Antidote: Self-Compassion
If double suffering is self-criticism layered onto anxiety, then the antidote is self-compassion.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you love having OCD or you’re thrilled about anxiety. It means you treat yourself with the same kindness and patience you’d offer to a friend.
Think of it this way: If your best friend came to you saying, “I had a panic attack before class today,” would you say, “Wow, you’re pathetic”? Of course not. You’d say something supportive, like, “That sounds really hard. You’re doing your best, and you’ll get through this.”
What if you started speaking to yourself that way, too?
Techniques to Catch and Overcome Double Suffering
Here are some strategies you can start practicing right away:
1. Name It to Tame It
When you notice self-criticism piling on top of anxiety, call it out: “Oh, that’s double suffering.”
Even labeling it gives you a bit of distance and reminds you that this is something extra, not inevitable.
2. The Friend Test
Ask yourself: “Would I say this to a friend?”
If the answer is no, try rephrasing the thought in a kinder, more supportive way.
3. Practice Self-Compassion Statements
Some simple scripts you can borrow:
“This is hard, and it’s okay that it feels hard.”
“Anxiety is not my fault, it’s just my brain doing its thing.”
“Struggling doesn’t mean I’m failing. It means I’m human.”
4. Mindful Noticing
Instead of judging your anxiety, practice noticing it with curiosity:
“My chest feels tight.”
“My thoughts are racing.”
“I feel the urge to check again.”
Observation replaces judgment with awareness and awareness opens the door to choice.
5. Catch the Spiral Early
Double suffering often sneaks in fast. Try to notice the first spark of self-criticism before it snowballs. A useful trick: pay attention to words like “should” (“I should be over this”) or “always/never” (“I’ll never get better”). These are red flags. It’s not healthy to “should” all over yourself.
6. Reframe the Slip
Did you give into a compulsion or cancel an exposure? Instead of, “I failed,” try, “That’s data. Next time I’ll try a different approach.” Progress is built on practice, not perfection.
7. Therapy Tools
Talk with your therapist about double suffering. In ERP, this might mean slowing down exposures to add space for self-compassion. In CBT, it might mean challenging distorted beliefs about what your symptoms say about your worth.
Final Thoughts
Double suffering is sneaky. It shows up in the form of harsh self-talk, shame, or unrealistic expectations and it keeps people stuck longer than necessary.
By learning to notice it, name it, and replace it with self-compassion, you can cut your suffering in half.
Yes, anxiety and OCD are tough. But you don’t need to carry the extra weight of beating yourself up on top of it. You deserve kindness from yourself, not just from others.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or OCD and want support in breaking free from double suffering, we’d love to help. At The OCD Relief Clinic, we specialize in evidence-based, compassionate care designed to help you heal not just from symptoms, but from the weight of shame too. Reach out today.
📍 Located in Ogden, Utah | Serving Weber, Davis, and surrounding counties